WHAT LAND ARE YOU SETTLING IN?
The month of March at The THRESHING FLOOR, we discuss the incongruity of life as is handed to us with what we perceive and what we desire, specifically in context to loss of marriage relationships, property and our self-identity.
What does your life landscape look like that is different to how you imagined?
How are you processing your situation, and behaving out of those beliefs you carry?
Psalm 119:89 (NKJV)
"For ever, O LORD, your word is settled in heaven”.
The word “settled” means to establish or secure permanently.
Understand how you are feeling, behaving and functioning out of your underlying beliefs, and make intentional decisions about your thinking. Posture yourself in your situation in a way that is expansive and follow God into the land that He has designated for you. What He has planned for you will be accomplished if you follow Him. Seek Him to know what you are to do and where you are heading – emotionally, with attitudes and choices, with your future and life’s plan. When things have crumbled around your feet, it's all the more reason to see His way forward.
If things continue to be challenging, disruptive or destructive, and you don't feel you can settle in your situation, realise that you can't settle on decisions that are based in your pain. You can't interpret behaviours or communications with others based in your pain. You'll be unstable and the conclusions you draw will be wildly off base. Become rooted and grounded in God's love and settle there first. Then you function with a sound mind and your damaged emotions are not what dictates your own behaviour and choices.
Isaiah 51:3
He comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden.
God has a strategy for everything in your life. Learn to know the difference between your desires and God’s desires for you. Learn to give away what you’ve been holding on to if it’s not of any use to you and doesn’t equip you or build others up.
Living with intent, is settling into an intentional process of becoming and overcoming so that you can possess what it is God has designated for you to possess.
How can we live intentionally if we feel out of control in the "land" we're living in?
Read the story of Tamar in Genesis 38. A synopsis is that she was dismissed and disregarded for decades in the family of Judah that she married into. In her culture, really, she became like the living dead. She was a liability to everyone around her rather than the producer of life that she desired to be. She became so indignant for the injustices done against her that she concocted a desperate plan that basically said, notice me or I’ll die. Recognise what you’ve done. Go ahead and kill my body because you’ve killed me in every other way. I’m just breathing. I’m barely existing. The way you’ve orchestrated my life is not worth living. So own it, or I’d rather die.
Culturally, we aren’t able to understand a woman’s position and identity in Tamar’s day because we are different in many ways now. Identity was all wrapped up in marriage and family. There seemed to be relatively little value in a woman for her own sake. If she was physically productive, it was good, but when it wasn’t good, oh, what a trapped and desolate life it must have been. As was the case with Tamar.
I see Tamar as desperate, ridiculously brave, something of a warrior, but also fatally wounded emotionally. She’s both tragic and heroic to me. She was wrong in what she did, but she was also continually wronged. I don’t know if she was righteously angry or just vengeful, but she fought with all her might, no matter the cost to her life in the end, to make her life count, and it’s that that I find heroic.
How can we settle in a land that we may be uncomfortable or distressed in, and prosper?
I don’t know anyone who wants to settle for second best, but many people end up doing that. In the context we’re discussing, settling is not to settle for second best, but rather to settle into something, that is withstanding.
How do we settle into something when there are limited choices available to us, or limited opportunities to change things that we would choose to change? Women still struggle with lifestyle inequality after a marriage separation, although to a lesser extent than in Tamar’s day. Studies show (and many of us know from experience, and from what we see around us) women are still, generally, poorer after a marriage breakup than men and many women are left destitute. Unfortunately, it's still not openly accepted as a problem that needs change, nor is there a healthy perception or even acknowledgement, for women and their children in this situation needing help.
Jeremiah 29:7
And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exhile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.
How do we define ourselves within the situations or relationships that cause our distress?
Personally, I asked for safety, security, and stability. God gave it to me, but I didn’t recognise it for a long time because I defined it differently than what I saw in front of me and the way I perceptually experienced it.
My lesson: Learn to recognise what is, especially when it isn’t what I understand or would like it to be. Be thankful that God is working in my circumstances and I am gathered in under His arm of protection. Allow time for God to complete His plan. Trust God with each day. Don’t worry about the future because I don't know it. Don't regret or resent the loss of what I had or was in the past, because that is not where I live. I am what I am now. I have what I have now. No more, no less.
Part of His plan for me, for you, is to grow. Part of how we are defining ourselves need to include how we are willing to accommodate His hand, His way, even when we don't see it. Why? Always, always, He is shaping us into His character, which is full of glory.
Defining Our Identity in Marriage, Love and Hate
God commands a husband to love His wife as Christ loved the church and laid His life down for her. God also commands a wife to submit to her husband as she does to Christ (Ephesians 5:21-30). This is a necessary tandem agreement of mutual submission, and is the covenant of blessing over a marriage partnership according to Father God.
If a husband does not love his wife as sacrificially as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, a wife cannot submit to him as she does to Christ. When a husband divorces his wife, to God he is effectively hating her and committing an act of violence against her (Malachi 2:16). Hatred is as murder to God (1 John 3:14-16). Understanding that, it's no wonder women are so emotionally damaged after marriage breakups.
Do you find this hard to swallow? This is where a healthy dollop of the fear of the Lord is prescribed.
Malachi 2:16 (NIV)
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty.
[The Hebrew word for violence here is the word hamas: wickedness, injustice to God and people; violence]
God allows divorce because of mans hardness of heart, but he sees it as an act of hatred.
God desires to give a covenant, a safe and enduring covering, of life and peace to us.
1 John 3:14-16 (EEB)
But anyone who does not love other believers is still under the power of death. Anyone who hates other believers is like someone who murders other people. You know that a person like that does not have true life with God. This is how we know what true love is: Jesus Christ gave his own life on the cross. He died on our behalf. So we too ought to give our lives for other believers.
Matthew 5:21-25 (NLT)
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.“ So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. “When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly.
This is our process of restoration. We know it’s not always possible to achieve reconciliation with another person because they may not be willing. But we need to do what we can to achieve it. When it’s not possible, we need to forgive and not continue to bear a grievance against them, but to bless them. God helps us do this if we're willing to.
Romans 12:14 (NIV)
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
What if we've given “land” away that we didn't intend to?
Many people let things go, even land and property, through marriage separation because the process is so painful. Others grab and steal more than what they rightfully should. But the land we're talking about can also represent anything that is valuable to us, even right down to our peace.
God is able to do a completely new thing, a completely restorative thing, that over time, becomes useful and even beautiful, more valuable, and more bountiful than before. It may not be what we imagined or planned, but it’s based on seeking Him and being obedient to His instructions. Pursue Him, understanding that His nature is powerful and good, and His goodness will follow you.
You’ve got to know what you are called to possess.
Numbers 33:53
Take possession of the land and settle in it for I have given you the land to possess.
Exodus 23:31
I will establish your borders… I will give into your hands the people who live in the land, and you will drive them out before you.
God has personal promises for you even after the demolition of marriage, destruction of family, loss of property, power and control over your own identity.
God has the victory over everything. Remember, when He calls you, follow Him as a subject follows a King. Trust Him like a child can trust a faithful, devoted father. Follow Him with complete loyalty, trust, and obedience, and He will take you on a journey that conquers giants.
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